Denial & the Drain of the Everyday
There are many things in life one could rightly consider boring and inane, and all of these things, broadly speaking, can be categorized as doing the laundry.
Exercise. Budgeting. Studying. Difficult conversations. Together they make up the minutiae of life, and people are loath to do them sometimes. Not because they are painful, but rather, because they are unpleasant, and it is upon discovering the many variations of displeasure that arise in day-to-day life, that denial steps in to serve a greater function.
Denial is a psychological defense mechanism, the core function of which is not only to protect the mind from threats (pain), but also to preserve one’s relationship to pleasure, which if we had it our way, would be unceasing and constant. Human beings are incredibly attuned to good feelings and just as sensitive to any marker of their absence.
The mind seems to have a way of guiding individuals away from inner turmoil and conflict. Away from the small tasks that compromise them by becoming a significant drain on their energy and time. This is what denial is really a defense against, not the simple act of folding clothes, but the greater threat it represents by encroaching on human finitude.
What is Denial?
It is a refusal to accept facts which are as incontrovertible as they are inconvenient. It is not the surface reality that is difficult to tolerate, but the awareness of the underlying meaning of investing precious resources into things one does not really care about.
Denial is mostly an unconscious process that people are not totally conscious of, especially not in the moment it is employed. Freud called it the “ostrich policy” invoking the image of the animal sticking its head in the ground to avoid what threatens it. Which is what denial is tantamount to, sticking one’s head in the ground to avoid distressing reality. Doing so can be necessary and protective at times, but it can also hinder growth and development.
How Denial Works
Imagine a person who is at risk of losing someone close to them, such as an aging parent. They love this person and cannot imagine living in a world without them. The thought of it is simply too severe, and rather than allow oneself to be overwhelmed, the psyche kicks in and activates the defense of denial.
Thoughts of one’s parent miraculously recovering or being saved by some miracle treatment occur, and if not that then by the sheer force of their will to survive, and if not that, then finally by some sort of divine intervention.
In such scenarios these outcomes are unlikely if not impossible, but the psyche produces them in order to provide relief and protection from feelings of fear and authenticity. This response can be adaptive or maladaptive depending on the context.
Common Types
Denial can manifest in different ways and should be judged accordingly based on how it is categorized.
Simple denial is the most straightforward type, which is characterized by direct denial of reality. It is a simple refusal to believe what has happened, has really happened.
A close companion of this simple denial is minimization, which involves a partial admission of the truth but stops short of full recognition by downplaying the significance of what has occurred. This partial admission of the truth makes minimization the most difficult type of denial to identify because it easily passes for honesty.
The next type is not always thought of as a form of denial but it is one. It is projection, which occurs when you attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to others. When one is criticized or held at fault for something they’ve done, rather than be accountable, they may accuse someone else of doing the exact thing they are guilty of.
And of course there is avoidance, the type of denial that most people are familiar with. It involves the subtle unconscious choice to avoid all together anything and everything that could leave you feeling exposed. Avoidance stands in direct opposition to reality and truth.
Denial in Everyday Life
Despite occasionally producing a positive outcome, on the whole denial has a negative effect on multiple areas of life. People suffer personally, socially, physically, and spiritually when they live in denial. They turn a blind eye to the warning signs that trouble is on the horizon and do nothing to stop it. They miss out on some of the most meaningful and rewarding aspects of life. In this regard, denial ceases to be a form of protection and becomes a barricade between who someone is and who they could become.
Working Through
The question of how to work through denial is really the question of how one tolerates and eventually works through pain.
Practicing self-compassion is necessary in order to do this. When someone makes a mistake or doesn’t live up to their standards, the temptation is to avoid the painful uncomfortable feelings that come with this reality. Self-compassion is an antidote to such avoidance.
Writing is a practical way of employing it. Reflecting on what was done and getting all of one’s thoughts and feelings, whether good or bad, out on the page, can help to tolerate them. It allows for working through them.
If the issue is that someone denies their feelings by unnecessarily courting conflict, the solution is to slow down and direct their skepticism towards the sudden urge they have to fight or argue.
To push themselves to have open conversations instead, and in doing so, acknowledge how difficult it is to admit one’s wrongs, to themselves and others. Dealing with the difficult is how one becomes more courageous than they imagines they are.
Final Thoughts
Though ineffective, denial is not a flaw. It is a necessary defense at times. It is a natural part of psychic life. Not one that should be employed without discretion–there are times when the use of denial as a defense mechanism is what must in fact be denied.
It is important to be aware and take stock of where denial shows up in one’s life, and what thoughts and feelings lie just beyond it, which is how a person can locate, find, and face whatever it is that denial is protecting them from.