Overcoming Separateness

Image via Samuel Regan Asante

A paradox of modern life is that we are more connected than ever before, and yet, we are also increasingly lonely and more isolated from one another. This conundrum cuts across demographics and affects all people. It perplexes and in effect cripples us, either by forcing us into complete withdrawal or causing us to cling fiercely to one another, neither of which is particularly satisfying. 

It has never been easier to cloak our loneliness with a thin veneer of connection. An illusion that comes by way of carefully managed social media profiles and constantly sharing highlights of our lives, which gives the impression that we have overcome our separateness when we haven’t.

Our experiment with social media has gone on long enough to know that we have failed to use these platforms in ways that make us feel more genuinely connected, likely because few of us consider how challenging it is to be connected to others. We underrate the effort required, and in that sense, any critique of these platforms must double as a critique of ourselves. 

We are a long way from knowing, and may never know, to what extent social media can truly help us to be more connected with one another. I do know that wherever that answer lies, it will still fall short if our goal is to never feel separate from others. 

This is the struggle we have as beings who are inherently social–we have always had to contend with the uncomfortable feeling of separateness, and our instinctual desire has always been to try and find ways to overcome it. To flee from our isolation.  

Erich Fromm made this exact argument in The Art of Loving—that the deepest of human drives is the drive to overcome our isolation. His perspective was that the only legitimate way to do so was through love, which he described as “the union that preserves individuality.” 

The Human Condition 

The feeling of separateness is inevitable because it is partly the cost of having a self and being conscious of one’s existence. The ability to engage with existence as both a participant and an observer can at times produce a feeling of insecurity, or rather this ability stretches and extends and transforms into feeling insecure. This feeling represents a fundamental reality. 

Being fully aware of this reality can be overwhelming. We must come into it gradually, as only one facet of the overall process of psychological growth, rather than taking it on all at once. The drive to achieve union can be seen as an unconscious way of reaching out for help with managing the feelings that come with awareness of this reality. Union can also function as a form of avoidance if the loving relationship is substituted for a non-loving unhealthy attachment. 

The implication of viewing human history as a series of attempts to overcome separateness is that we can parse through history and learn the successful and unsuccessful ways of overcoming this problem. 

The Incomplete Solutions 

Fromm talks about three solutions besides love that are readily available to us–ecstasy, conformity, and creativity. 

Ecstasy

Ecstasy is synonymous with orgasm, or rather, achieving an orgiastic state, which is about much more than erotic stimulation. Ecstasy is a state that exists beyond common pleasure. IT is a level of experience in which the barrier between self and experience is obliterated. A person ceases to be aware of themselves as an observer or a participant and becomes completely fused with their experience. They exist for a moment, as pure sensation. 

There are multiple ways of achieving this feeling. Sexual orgasm is the most common, and drug use is probably a close second. Fromm also pointed out that religious rituals contain many of the same features, and I would add that in contemporary culture, sports also contain these features and arguably have replaced religious rituals as a preferred way of achieving this state. With some studies indicating lower rates of sexual activity amongst adults, sports and other forms of entertainment may surpass sex as the primary method of achieving ecstasy. 

What all these activities have in common is that the relief they provide from the feeling of separateness is fleeting. In ecstasy, the feeling of merger and the illusion of connection fades quickly, leaving people more aware of their loneliness than before and more desperate for relief. There is a legitimate need for individuals to experience ecstasy, and there should be safe communal spaces to do so, but when the pursuit of ecstasy becomes compulsive it also becomes dysfunctional. 

Conformity 

Another path to overcoming separateness is through conformity. The conformist chooses to merge with another, either an individual or a group, by adopting their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The result is a selling off of the self, and the reason for striking such a bargain is that the awareness of the self is connected to one’s feelings of separateness. To rid oneself of the former is tantamount to ridding oneself of the latter as well. 

By this logic, if a person merges with someone else, they never again have to experience the sting of loneliness or the tension of existing as an individual who occasionally and inevitably finds themselves at odds with other individuals. The further implication is that if separateness is expunged, so too is difference and the potential for conflict. 

Conformity represents the fantasy of union with difficulty, which is impossible to achieve because the process of achieving union always comes with some degree of difficulty. The fact that it is challenging is partly what makes it a meaningful and rewarding experience. True union preserves the paradox whereby two people or a group of people exist together and separately at the same time, without feeling threatened or diminished by one another. Conformity is a form of pseudo-unity in which individuality is discarded in exchange for a false illusion of togetherness. 

Creativity 

The last incomplete solution that Fromm talked about was creativity. The artistic person overcomes separateness through merging with their work. They become so absorbed in their work that they cease to exist apart from it. The hand of the painter is no longer just an extremity, but an extension of the paint brush. The musician's body becomes an extension of their instrument, even more so for the vocalist whose body is essentially their primary instrument. 

The artistic person also has the prospect of overcoming the problem on another level. When they share their work with others they are sharing an object that is imbued with a part of themselves. The feeling of separateness is potentially overcome through the awareness that a part of themselves has been shared in this way and may live on well past the normal human life span. 

But, even though some relief comes from this awareness, as a method of overcoming separateness it is still incomplete. The artistic person hopes for and assumes that their work, and by extension they themselves will be received with care. This is impossible to know for certain, but it is still the desire of the artistic person who goes on creating things, partly to satisfy their need for expression, and partly in hopes of achieving this form of connection. As gratifying as creativity can be, it is still for the most part a solitary endeavor that falls short of true interpersonal connection. 

Love as the Full Answer 

The way to overcome the feeling of loneliness and separation is through love. Not love as clinging or symbiotic attachment, but mature and healthy union, where two people can be with each other without compromising their integrity.

Mature love is balanced and responsive. It acknowledges and makes space for separateness to exist alongside moments of connection. The feeling of separateness that people flee from is accepted as normal and even necessary. Separateness is not a threat to connection, but a conduit for it. The mature loving relationship provides a framework where separateness and connection exist along a spectrum and two people can find each other at many different points of convergence. 

This kind of love can be shared amongst family, friends, lovers, and members of groups, but it does require active participation and intentionality to achieve it. Otherwise love as a solution also becomes inadequate. 

If someone is struggling with loneliness or engaging in unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to overcome their feelings of separateness they will need to become more aware of the barriers they have erected themselves and take an active role in dismantling them. Love, viewed as an active endeavor, requires effort to maintain, but in exchange for this effort, it offers a solution to the problem of separateness that is more steadfast.